I know it’s not right that I don’t write as much I should on here…but sometimes I just get too caught up to get around to writing. I would like to go over everything that has happened since the last time I’ve posted but that would take more time than have. Although I can say that I’ve taken an awesome trip to Berlin and enjoyed a nice fall break since last time I wrote here. I also celebrated my 18th birthday last Friday on the 24th. I had a awesome party and it was by far my best birthday I’ve ever had and it’s because of all my friends that it was so and my host family. Both my friends in America and my friends here made it a birthday to remember, as it should be as my 18th and as my birthday in Germany!
Anyways, today I’m writing because well I need an output for the stress I’m feeling now and just because I need to vent…and sometimes that isn’t so easy here for me. It seems everyday now I’m in a constant battle with myself. It’s almost like the book I’m currently reading which is The Host by Stephanie Meyer. In it the earth has been invaded by aliens who take over bodies of humans and live as humans, suppressing the host body’s former person. Although for the main character the soul placed in the body is challenged by the host. Well I almost feel like that because now it’s like there are two of me in one body much like Wanderer and Melanie. There is the American me and then the German me….but the German me doesn’t speak German that well and is quiet (most of the time). So everyday I want to express myself the way I would in my American way, but I can’t because I can’t speak the language and express myself the way I am able to do back home. Of course I understand this is to be expected, but it’s aggravating. So this leads to the everyday battle of homesickness because well back home I don’t have a problem expressing myself and I want that so it causes the homesickness. Then the two clash because I love being here in Germany but I miss home so much and it makes me want to go home but want to stay and this is everyday. Sometimes I think if I could just think and speak
German things would get better, hell I’m almost sure they would…but it’s just not happening which pisses me off. I want to speak it fluently so much and sometimes I really try but I get frustrated and just give up on it. Stress. Then on top of that I can just never get enough sleep so I’m grumpy…so yeah. I know this is more of a whine post but hey…life isn’t fun all the time…and sometimes you just need to complain. Anyways no one said you had to read it lol. It’s funny though when people ask me how it’s going here I say great…just because it’s amazing to be here…just aggravating that I can’t speak fluently and sorts… So I think I’ve complained enough to call it quits for this blog…maybe I’ll have some time to come back and write about Berlin and my Birthday later this week…as for now…blegh…but it’ll get better soon always does.
Kurt
**hugs**
As awesome as it would be to have all of our challenges immediately overcome, that’s never the case. Things we truly want come with a price! You have it in you to do amazing things. Keep pushing forward and think of the day you get to look back and laugh at yourself and the silly things you’ve said and did while in this learning process.
It’s okay to not find the means to express yourself in the language of choice. Some of us have a hard time doing so in the language we’ve spoken all of our lives. I spoke German for half of mine, and I’d still struggle, so give yourself a break! There are so many things to learn and you will remember them with or without words. You have been given a very special gift. Have a great time and keep writing, this is great!