One Year Anniversary

Well one year ago I left on this day to begin my journey into the land of Germany. I had no clue what to expect, but anything I could have expected would never equal up to what it was. My time there was amazing and as always there are many to thank. In general my friends here and in Germany and my family both here and my host family. Both groups made my journey possible and I am indebted for life for that. If it weren’t for my amazing host family and friends in Germany I wouldn’t be writing this blog. This blog will finally cover my entries from when I first began to think of my trip home. I won’t describe it because well you’re going to get a face full of it now.

12/14/08
It was a great weekend. I stayed both Friday and Saturday night at Justin’s house so it was, of course, an awesome weekend. Even though it was awesome the thoughts and feelings that my time here is so limited are always plaguing me. I’ve made such great friends here and well a whole new life…the one I’ve always wanted. I’ve never been happier. Yet, I have to leave it and because of my stupid decision not to take my math credit in my Junior year and because of the fact that my school won’t accept a foreign credit. I only need a math class and that is why I have to go home. The thoughts of having to go home…or back to my other home…plague me. I dream…or more over I have nightmares. I miss my friends back home, but my life is so great here…I know that they would want me to stay here forever if I’m happy. Even this weekend both Friday and Saturday I had dreams about my return home and neither were comforting. I can never describe my feeling good enough to truly give you the idea. Every time I think of January 11th my stomach drops. I don’t ever want to leave my dream life…but I must.

12/15/08

Last night was rough after that last entry. I cried. I cried for what I will miss and for all I’ve going to lose. I cried for what I have to go back to. Life here is carefree, a dream. After my homesickness passed I wasn’t ever really sad and never really was mad. Life here has been almost perfect. Sure there are those days you get in small tussles with people, but never anything that lasts. I have been completely happy. Now I’ve entered my last month here and the emotions are overloading. I’m trying to enjoy myself as much as possible, but as I’ve said in every entry the impending end is overbearing. You know every time I write one of these I just repeat what I’ve always written, but I guess it only shows how I feel every day. The fact that my friends here don’t want me to leave only makes it worse. These people, my friends, have done so much for me that I will never in my life be able to give enough thanks. Before I ever left for Germany the fear was always…well what if I don’t get along with my Host Family and what if the people there don’t accept me…they certainly took that and turned it around. They have made this dream truly come true here. Because of them I’m happy. You see, the way I see it isn’t like I was just any old new student to take under wing. They took me in understanding that well sometimes we were gonna have problems talking and so on, but they did it anyways. The accepted me and helped me through the rough times and knew that no matter how good of friends we became, I would leave. Never the less they have made this time a once in a lifetime experience. Never Never Never ever will I forget the memories I have made here with my friends and host family. This is one reasons I’m having a hard time coping with having to leave. These friends and I ave a special bond unlike at home. Friendships made with the understanding that I would leave and in spite of that we became great friends. I don’t think I can truly describe how I feel about these friendships. I can only say that they are extraordinarily special and because of this I don’t want to leave them. I don’t wanna leave them or anything here. Oh I forgot to mention this is my last Monday here at this school. Yeah that never helps that,well, I start counting my ‘lasts’ now. My last full week of school is this week and today is my last Monday. Then there are people that I’ve already seen for perhaps the last time. This never helps. The one day that i just never want to come is January 10th. The day I have to say goodbye to my friends here. I know its going to be one of the hardest days I’ve ever had in my life. The day I have to say goodbye…the last day I’ll see some of my closest friends in the world. I don’t know when I’ll see them again and that hurts. Then after the pain of leaving my wonderful life here i have to return to my old life. Where do I even start to begin to express my feelings about returning. Well, first let me sat that I do miss my friends and family. Although there are the things back home that I was once numb to that I could, for the most part, ignore. Here in Germany I’ve learned how to live again. In Germany I learned how a family should be. Now that I have to go home I know that, well. that these things I’ve learned about won’t be there. My daily life will turn from the carefree and happy to the stressed and worried. Sure you might say “Well toughen up, that’s life,” but I simply say why does it have to be. All in all I really just don’t want to go home. I’m not ready to go home. My life here just started and now it’s ending too soon. Have I ever told you guys how much I hate school? Well I do and mainly because of this. Oh well there’s nothing I can do now,but prepare for the end of this wonderful life.

12/16/09

So today is already better than yesterday because I slept better and so far I haven’t remembered any dream related to home. I guess I’m beginning to come to terms with the whole thing. I try to think of positive things I can’t wait for back home…one being, seriously, Dance Dance Revolution. I swear the moment we’re near Harbison on the way home I’m asking to go to Frankie’s Fun Park no matter how tired I am. Of course, I’m also excited to surprise my friends and to see Kaci at the airport. I know its been hard to keep the secret from the others,but I really am glad she has. If i get the schedule I want then that’s also something I’ll be excited for. Having one block math and then the rest Band, Chorus and German would be awesome. I guess having the same start time and end of school the same again will be nice too, but that is a little conditional. If I can find a soccer team it’ll make things better too…but yeah it’s not too horrible. I guess my main things is that I need to be more grateful for the experience I’ve had and what I’ve done here than to be so upset about what I won’t have. I’ve seen and done so many amazing things that I know I would’ve never done unless I had come here. More over I’ve set myself apart from the average back home; I lived in Germany for a half year! I’ve seen more of the world now than most of my classmates ever will, I’ve made amazing friends here that I know I will always keep in touch with. I’ve had a blast with my friends from outings to Hamburg and Lübeck to parties on the weekends. I finally got to play soccer and for the first time in Germany of all places! Even though I, by far, was not the best, the team fully accepted me as a part of their team. Although I have not yet become fluent in German, I have learned so much more than if I had not come. all are reasons to be grateful. I should count the lasts with gratefulness that there are lasts. About a year ago now I started this crazy journey by telling my dad what I wanted to do. Then it was just a completely mad idea that most likely wasn’t possible, I didn’t give up. Even though there was most likely no chance of me going, I never gave up on my dream of coming here. Now I’ve been in Germany since August. I did it. I have lived a dream of mine and that is something not many my age or any age can say. I am and forever will be an American Exchange Student. This whole experience has done so much for me. I have most definitely matured more than imaginable and that only makes sense when you throw yourself into another country with hardly knowing anyone there. Not to mention I’ve lost weight while here…hehe…that always makes things better and especially when an Exchange Student. I’m just so amazed that all this happened. Who knows all the ways this experience will help me in the future, but I’m sure it will. You know even before I said that I wanted to go to a German Uni people always said that I needed to see if I liked it here first. I guess that question is definitely answered. I love it here and hopefully I’ll go to Uni here and live here in the near future. Well this is how I’m feeling today hopefully it’ll stick that way, bit we will soon see.

1-2-09                                       9 Days till Departure

So today was the last day of Ski/Snowboard vacation. I figured I’d write a but since we have a bit of down time. The week as a whole was awesome. I met tons of new people and learned how to snowboard and in the Alps! It is so beautiful here…well except the place we stayed at…it’s well just…minus fünf Sterne. Of course, we also had News Years here…it was a little boring, but a new year has come. I haven’t really made any new years resolutions, but I think they will come in time…probably when I’m back home since, well, things here are just so great. Speaking of the new year and going home…it’s January meaning I leave this month…in nine days… almost eight now. Yesterday it had me a little distanced as well as today. I just keep trying to figure out what I’m gonna do once I’m back home..and what to expect…and I simply can’t figure it out. Of course…or hopefully, my friends will be happy to see me..but how long will that last and will it even affect me? Like one of my last entries I’ve tried to be positive about the return, but it’s so hard not to think of what I’ll miss so much..which is almost everything..well there’s nothing I can do but make the most of these last eight days.. I know too soon they’ll be over…and that scares me…a lot. I think I’ll be writing everyday for these last nine/ eight days.

1-7-09                                          Four Days till “D-Day”

So Wednesday is soon to be over…my last in Germany for this go round. Tomorrow is back to school for my last two days…and we’re having our class Abschieds Party at Micky D’s plus the English Theater. It’s overwhelming now…how much I don’t want to go back to Pelion. I love it here. Unfortunately, I have to go back and so I’m faced with these feelings. I’ve cried quite a few times since my last entry…all because of what and who I’ll miss here in Deutschland. Oh Deutschland, my land of possibilities. I have so many memories that I will never forget here as long as I don’t get Alzheimer’s. From my first day in Germany to the day I first met my host family. Man oh man was I nervous…then I saw the sign with “Willkommen Kurtis” and there they were in Hamburg Hauptbahnhof, a place that holds many more memories and will soon hold the memories of my departure from my friend here in Northern Germany. The more I prepare myself the sadder I become. Oh the things I’ll miss the simple things…like always. The afternoons of going over to Jenni’s or the evenings after soccer when the guys and I would relax afterwards with a few cold Holstens. All things I will dreadfully miss. Oh! And my party weekends with Justin…man the memories I’ve made at parties with Justin there! I’ll say simply…table dancing…oh and…strip tease. Then my days of singing the FUN song to the girls at the parties . It was always a request…as much as for my wonderful dancing skills. Simply said I’ll miss everyone. Everyone ins a special way too like with Thorben J. he was always happy to chat in English and me respond in German and we both correct each other. Although when it all comes down to it there’s 4 people I really need to thank. For without them I would have never met my awesome friends here. Those people are my host family. Heiki, Sven, Morten and Kira. The heart of my time here . I can never thank them enough…they welcomed me into their home and gave me so much that I cannot say thank you or vielen dank enough for. In fact, if it weren’t for Sven and Heike taking me to the wonderful Großhansdorf Oktoberfest I would have never met Justin, Thorben, Moritz or so many people. All because of my host family was all this possible and I will forever be in debt to them. And that is where I end this entry. Now onto the hardest days I’ve had so far.

1-8-09                                       Three Days till “D-Day”

So back to school today and so far all is good. Actually I think from the looks of it the Kiezmiezen are a bit more upset than I am. anyhow the day is still young so we’ll see what happens. It is strange to hear their plans for next week and think I’ll be in America…it’s really hard. I really can’t imagine it at all, the idea that I’ll be back in America in 3 days is still like some sort of joke. I can’t imagine myself back in America, but I’m sure as soon as I have my small party Friday that it’ll all hit me. Maybe not until Saturday when I travel to my departure city but I don’t know. At the moment I’m definitely not looking forward to Atlanta. Mainly because last night dad and I argued and sorts and I just really don’t wanna go back to that like not after this one. Strange to say my American life and my German life, but they really are so different.                                                            *************************                                                           So the lasts keep adding up….last English class was last block and now my last philosophy block…lasts lasts lasts…they suck. That’s life as dad says, but still it sucks. I’m looking forward to seeing my friends and how excited they are, but then again I have to leave friends to be with friends…what a life. I still don’t understand why we exchange students do so…but it’s amazing to live somewhere else for a semester or year. Absolutely amazing it is. Funny to think tomorrow is my last day of German “high school” and then later this year I’ll have my last day of American high school…totally crazy. At the end of this school year I can honestly say ‘what a school year’ at least. An amazing senior year…half in Germany and the other back home. To think in only 5 or so months I’ll go through the same ordeal of saying goodbye to the good ole days of High School with friends. Scary really…just like leaving Germany. There’s noting I can do though it’s gonna happen and I can only be prepared for it…yeah “prepared” for it.                                                                                                                                           *****************************                                                       Yet another last…my last Math lesson with my German classmates. Surprisingly, I’m doing alright today…I guess it come and goes. Good news for tomorrow only one class of German and then my time at Emil-von- Behring Gymnasium is…vorbei. Gone like my soccer times and other classes….only 3 days. What will it be like to be in Pelion High School once more, the school I thought I’d never attend again. What will I feel…what will people say..who will the first person I see be…will I somehow be excited or completely overwhelmed with sudden grief of missing my German school…zooming out further how will Pelion look or Lexington…what’s changed in the half year I was here in Germany? Then…what will go on here in Germany when I’m gone…and how much will the people so close to me change until the next time I’m here? Will I simply be able to hop back into the party life with Justin…or will Jenni and the girls still be Jenni and the girls…these things worry me. The things that time can only tell and that time can so gracefully ruin. Will they still be the same only a year or so older…or will be have completely changed? This i have to wait out, hoping only for the best.  I don’t know why I don’t worry about the same with my friends back home…maybe it’s because I’ve known them for years and know how to adapt to their changes…who knows..but that I’m not worried about. The things that worry me about back home is finding a job…making sure I can get back to Germany..what I have to do to get back…trying to get accepted into a German University…paying that tuition and the though of no more high school after one semester…its all so scary. Through all that I still somehow know it’s all gonna work out…like it always does. I know I’ll get into a German Uni and somehow pay for it and my trip here and everything that surrounds living in Germany. As for now I have to face going home…it’s also surprising me that I’m not scared about the traveling alone part…Hamburg to Frankfurt then Frankfurt to Boston and finally Boston to Atlanta…all alone…and that doesn’t worry me…figures. I will enjoy understanding every word in my lessons back home and being able to actually participate. Oh and I look forward to the crazy conversations we come up with at lunch…those are always a highlight back home…what we manage to talk about over lunch…man the crazy stuff we’ve talked about over lunch back home. The trip with the band I’m also definitely looking foward to…times with the band are ALWAYS hilarious.                                                        ****************************                                                  So now the last Thursday is soon gone. Boy was this evening great! My class and I went to an English theater piece and before we met at McD’s for an Abschieds Party (Goodbye Party) and well that was fun as well as the theater piece…it was hilarious and then afterwards was also awesome…but tomorrow…that’s gonna be tough. My last school day and then tomorrow evening my Abschieds Party with friends. Tomorrow is going to be very hard and I only hope I can get through it strongly. Saying Goodbye is never easy and tomorrow it really starts. At least I had a blast….that is what is truly important. It’s just hard to tell myself that, well, it’s over for this go round. It’s late…I should sleep tomorrow is the beginning of the end of my time here. I’ll need a bit of rest for it.

1-9-09                                         Two Days Till “D-Day”

Last day of school…start out with a band actually…or crash. The first time I fell off my bike was today on my last trip to school. Although, it was because of the ice that I wasn’t able to break and yeah. The next best thing is that my chain fell off the bike. Wonderful. I fixed it and quickly and then headed back off to school, but the fact stands. Now I sit in my last lesson in Emil-von-Behring Gymnasium and in Germany for this go round. What is ironic is, just like my last soccer game was against the first team I trained with, my last class is in the classroom whee I had my first lesson here at EVB. Yet again the theme of ending at the beginning reappears. Of course, I’ll also be traveling the same way back to America…for example train back to Frankfurt and plane from Frankfurt to Boston. I find these last times that end like the beginning odd, but I like them I feel they fit better. The gravity of my end here in Germany is finally setting upon me. The slow sinking in the pit of my stomach and the strange feeling of sadness seeping through my body. To think back on September first I sat in this very same room nervous as hell with a bunch of German teenage strangers. Now I sit in a room with my classmates. Just like at home we have our insiders together and our laughs during class these people are my friends and the first people I got to know here. Here in this moment I’m filled with sadness at leaving my new class and filled with gratitude that I was so easily and greatly taken in by these people.

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And so that was the last entry I made that I have found. Of course soon after finishing that I stood in front of my class and said goodbye while crying. I was slightly embarrassed, but it showed them that they truly meant a lot to me. Later that night I partied with my german friends for the last time and did it right. We had a blast and I’ll never forget it. The next day I rushed to get packing done while Sebastian lay sleeping until 4 in the afternoon in my room. Then the horrible goodbye at the Hamburg Hauptbahnhof. Where I stood in the door of the train crying my heart out while they all waved white tissues in the air saying goodbye. My soccer friends and best friend Justin ran with the train until we were too fast for them to follow. Later on through the red eye train ride I would lose my passport making that traveling I feared something I dreaded once I realized I had lost the passport at the airport about an hour before my plane was to leave. These last days that I wrote about I will never forget like the many many memories from my many months in Germany. So as I go through the day that marks my one year anniversary since I left for Germany I will be filled with sadness, of course. Although I will also be filled with the confidence that I can do anything as long as  set my mind and heart to it. I may have changed plans about returning to Germany, but still the hope and desire remains in my heart to live in Hamburg, Germany. So one day, no matter how long it is form now, I will walk those very streets once more and smile recalling on those wonderful days from my semester in Germany. Thank you to everyone who supported me while on my adventure to getting to Germany and to the friends who supported me in my rough times in Germany. Thank you to my host family who gave me the wonderful home to call my own for that time. You guys truly made the experience what it was. Thank you to Jenni, Johanna, Clara, Claudia and Justin  especially for being my closest friends abroad and giving me those awesome times in the city and at the parties. I know we all will never forget our times together there. Hopefully soon in the near future we can make even more wonderful memories back in my second home in the world, Hamburg or more over Hoisdorf.